• CocoR

Each of us requires the spur of insecurity to force us to do our best

Hello Loved Ones,

I've been postponing this post for a long time now. But I know you all deserve some explanation about my work. I always loved photography, you know that, but why, suddenly starting to take nude shots of myself ? That is today's story…




CHAPTER I : HIGH-SCHOOL

I had some trauma as a child (but I mean who did not really ? ), plus when I was 10, we moved abroad with my mom and dad, and to be honest moving all the way to China didn’t help. The fact is I’ve always been insecure about myself, not only about my body, but about my whole self as a human being.

I was this kind of teen you know, quiet, a bit shy, not really popular (but still had some friends), who loved art and reading more than getting out. I had big dreams, I wanted everything but didn’t have the voice to express or to get what I wanted.




CHAPTER II : SICKNESS

Years went by, I don’t really remember how, or why my parents thought I had a bad behavior, but I ended up talking to psychiatrist once a week for over a year when I was 15. And everything was okay until she diagnosed me with big words : Depression and a slight of Bipolarity.
Believe me, when you’re 15, and someone tells you you’re messed up inside, that’s when you begin to get really messed up.

Retrospectively, I don’t think I was so sick, I was just an insecure kid who needed a shot of self-confidence. And thinking about it, I was getting this confidence from my boyfriends at the time. I guess feeling loved by someone was kind of helping me being sane. But after that, who would want to hang out with the psycho ? No one.




CHAPTER III : COMING BACK

In 2010 we came back in France. I was done with high school, I had a few months of free time before starting college. One night in my room, I was bored (and high), so I started playing with my camera, shooting everything from my bed to the carpet, EVERYTHING ! I tried to take a selfie, and ended up with a pretty artsy shot of my boobs.

That’s how everything began, by mistake really.

So on the next day, I searched if anyone was posting nude shots on the internet (yes, I was 17, ignorant, and didn’t think that anyone would actually do that, have the courage to expose a naked body to the world !). That’s how I found dA.

So I created a profile, and started posting some of my « regular shots », landscapes, portraits…But these shots did not trigger any reaction from the dA community, I guess I was (and maybe still am) a crappy photographer at the time. At the same time I was still intrigued by all this nude shots :

« Could I possibly do the same kind of shots ? » « I’m not a model, no photographer would ever want to work with me, plus I’m way too shy to ask someone to shoot me entirely naked… »  « Anyways I’m too fat to do this kind of shots »  « Everyone is going to laugh at me if I do this »



CHAPTER IV : FIRST SHOTS

After hanging on dA for a while, all of a sudden, I decided i did not need anyone to take photos for/of me. I was determined to try to do this by myself. I set up my camera on a pile of books, turned on the self timer, and click, the first real self-portrait was made.

That night was a test, I tried poses, set ups, camera adjustments, I tried everything until I got something I was not too ashamed of.

I waited about a week before posting it on dA, I was scared of what people were going to think about me while seing this photo. And surprisingly, it worked, some loved it, some didn’t but I had some feed back on my work. What amazed me the most was that people where not commenting on my body, they were talking about the light, contrast, composition, everything except my own shapes.



CHAPTER V : RELEASE

After my first post, I was not focused on how to pose to look good anymore, but how to make my photos technically better. I started to forget the shame I felt for my body. People were looking, but not at what I thought was ugly. My life took a new turn after that; Most bad behavior comes from insecurity, and with this whole new body confidence, depression slowly started to fade away, miraculously. Step by step I was taking back control over my mind, I was glowing, I was simply starting to love myself.

It took me about 3 years to get where I am now. By posting some of my nude shots on dA, when I needed a confidence booster. And it took me more than that to accept to share my entire work with you, my love. I started on IG this year, and the love you’ve been giving me is simply overwhelming, thanks to you I love myself more than ever !


Ps: All this shots are dated from before 2014 :)